Stupid
by Fading Grace
Summary: A weird pairing. The twins have to use Kyouya to fix their own problems. Oneshot. KyouyaTwins, HikaruKaoru, KyouyaTamaki


I'm about to hit you in the face with a weird pairing. Adi, I want a play-by-play. It's been on my mind for a while.

* * *

The twins were frustrating, but they were not stupid. 

It was only logical. None of the Host Club members were particularly stupid. Even Tamaki had his moments, probably.

Kyouya knew that the twins' strength was a primarily experiential savvy. They could tell, somewhat inferentially, what would happen to affect the situation and what the consequences would be. This ability was a natural shadow of Kyouya's own assumption of the future based on statistics and evidence.

Because of all of this, the beginning was rather easy and largely unspoken.

Kyouya was trying to force his king to pay attention. When the efforts came to naught and Tamaki flounced away after Haruhi, the twins came to lean on both of his shoulders.

One cooed sympathetically. The other said, "Is our little Shadow-chan lonely?"

The effect was somewhat lackluster, since they were not tall enough to whisper in his ear with ease. Kyouya said complacently, "I am not a woman."

"Yeah, Shadow-chan," said the one that had not spoken yet. The other said, "We're not stupid."

"I realize this," Kyouya said, watching Haruhi attempt to shoo Tamaki away while she had clients.

One suggested, "How about you try to relax a bit? Go to bed early… like ten. Alright?" The other augmented this with, "And, seriously, calm down with the police. How many guard dogs does one bedroom need, really?"

They left. Kyouya watched Tamaki a while more, and then the twins as they sat with they own clients. That night, he went to sleep at ten and had the security removed temporarily.

When the door opened and closed at ten fifteen, Kyouya was still awake. Soft steps found their way to the second floor of his bedroom, and a heavy knee weighed down the mattress.

That first night, Kyouya reflected on the humor in the fact of his own expectation of this for several weeks.

The twins were not stupid, but they could not escape their own predictability.

* * *

Two weeks later, Tamaki became very frustrated with Kyouya and gave him a dressing-down. 

When the scene settled down, the whisper came. "Maybe you should get to sleep tonight, Shadow-chan…"

And night came. The security was dismissed, and Kyouya was early to bed. The steps had come, more stumbling and unsure. The touches had come, more hesitant than before.

Kyouya did not comment.

* * *

Thus life went on. Every time, the twins switched. 

The confident one, and the reluctant one. That was all he could do to differentiate.

Tamaki would never learn to obey _and did Kyouya want him to?_ and Kyouya might be able to cope.

But, one night, the balance of give and take turned on its head when the reluctant one shouted, "Hikaru!"

Neither of them reacted. They finished, and the twin fled.

The next day, most things were normal. That is, if one discounted Kaoru blushing and refusing to look Kyouya in the eye.

There was a certain amount of comfort in anonymity, but now Kaoru had been stripped of that. Obviously, by his behavior and attitude, Hikaru did not know that he had also lost his mask.

Therefore, Kaoru hadn't told him what had happened to identify them.

Therefore, Kaoru didn't want Hikaru to know that he had called out his brother's name.

Therefore, the twins had a major relationship flaw.

And, following clear lines of logic, the Host Club's revenue was under siege.

* * *

The next turn was Hikaru, the confident one. The mastermind. 

Everything was normal. He didn't know.

* * *

Kaoru was next. When he came, he tried to act as though nothing had changed. 

Kyouya pinned the body below him to the bed and said, "I have very little patience for a set of twins that cannot be in sync."

Kaoru sighed, and didn't struggle. "Sorry, Kyouya…"

"Apologies are worth even less than wishes," Kyouya scolded, and allowed him to sit up.

He said, "I'm in love with Hikaru."

"So I had inferred."

"…And I can't tell him, because we're brothers and twins and it's bad…"

In the dark, it was more comfortable for Kyouya to lose his tempter. "So far, the general consensus appears t reflect the opinion of not only accepting but supporting a romantic affair between you two."

Kaoru vocally rolled his eyes. "They think we're pretending. _He_ would think that we were pretending. I guess that I pretended too much, and that's all."

"When did you discover this infatuation?" Kyouya asked as a preliminary investigation.

He paused. "A week before it happened."

'It' was understood to be the shout.

Kyouya frowned. "That is a lie. You have been reluctant from the initial meeting."

Kaoru laughed like he did for his clients. "Maybe you're just gross. This was all Hikaru's idea, you know. I mean, we both knew that you were completely repressed, but _he_ suggested… that we help."

"You were disinclined, yes. However, you are strong and independent enough to stand up to your brother if you disagree. You were trying to appease him."

Kaoru froze and relaxed. "You're crazy."

"You also never talk about these encounters with him," Kyouya mused.

Kaoru choked. "Why wouldn't we talk?"

Kyouya smiled in good humor. "You both have a different assumption regarding my hypothetical sexual relationship with Tamaki."

Kaoru couldn't bring himself to ask what the assumption was.

Kyouya leaned in close and whispered, "You were the one that got it right. I _will_ be on top." Kaoru's earlobe was gently caught between Kyouya's teeth, and quickly released.

Kaoru shivered. "God, _why_ don't you have more clients?"

Kyouya straightened, business-like. "Because I am too busy to accommodate more than the most devoted of regulars."

"And you don't like girls."

"Also applicable," Kyouya acknowledged.

Kaoru laughed until he sighed. "I'll go. I mean, unless…"

Kyouya stood. "No. Believe it or not, you are not a prostitute."

And Kaoru left.

* * *

Very soon after, Hikaru visited. 

Between an imaginative, if primitive, vocabulary, Kyouya said, "You and your bother are not performing at the most advantageous level of efficiency."

Or something to that effect.

Hikaru thought that Kyouya didn't know the difference between the two. "Well, sorry about that, Shadow-chan."

Kyouya could not be bothered to choose his words carefully. "Your brother is in love with you."

A sudden, inconvenient halt was called. "What did you say?"

Kyouya was a patient man, but patience wears thin and he had a fast answer. "Kaoru never wanted to do this. He's done it because he's in love with you."

Hikaru breathed out, and breathed in. His first reaction was, "Why would he think that _this_ would show that he loved me?"

Impatiently, Kyouya encouraged him to move. "I don't – care – what he – thought." He found the rhythm again, and his words because more natural. "You and he will talk about it, and the Club will not lose revenue."

Hikaru laughed distractedly. "You're such a heartless bastard, Shadow-chan."

Kyouya smirked. "By the way, both you and your bother have made a different assumption regarding my hypothetical sexual relationship with Tamaki."

"Really? What is that?" Hikaru asked, out of breath.

Kyouya said, "You guessed right. I would be on bottom if something happened with Tamaki."

Hikaru just started to laugh, and became more energetic. He had to get home quickly, after all.

* * *

Whatever happened after that, Kyouya stopped hearing. 'Maybe you should sleep, Shadow-chan…' in his ear. The twins became as much a draw as ever, though there were comments about their chemistry being different. 

Finally, the twins approached Kyouya. They accused, "Kyouya, you lied. You told us both that we were right." They both elbowed his side. "Hey, hey, tell us. Which would you be?"

Kyouya smiled as innocently as was plausible. "I'm agreeable to either… as Tamaki will assure you."

Their jaws dropped.

He looked at the increased figures on the paper in the notebook before him, and added, "Congratulations on improving your HomoSymmetry act, by the way."

And, satisfied that the world was Right, Kyouya went on his merry way.


End file.
